people say that you are responsible for your own actions and decisions. well i agree with that. under certain circumstances. i mean there are major exceptions here. i feel it my duty to defend the hoodwinked. love (or what you think is love) can do that to you. make you dumb. dumb enough to overlook the obvious.
just suppose you are totally lied to, deceived, fooled and you make a life decision based on this. take what i just listed and zip it to the max.
ok – you could have hired a private detective before let’s say … you got married. had the dude checked out. for what? for potentially lying to you? are most women going to do that? it’s a certainly formula for ending most relationships if he finds out. no one in love wants that to happen, especially if they are – wrong? duh.
and who in most average circles has, knows, or can afford a private detective, forensic accountant for a somewhat average/above average guy? the answer is practically no one that i know. when it was suggested to me by my poorest of friends i laughed. now would she do that? not. could barely meet her monthly expenses. would have married anyone that spoke english and proposed.
in first marriages you are both usually young and starting this lifelong, mysterious journey together. planning a family, the world in its entirety ahead of you. home. careers are bright and cheery. you are young and beautiful. life is exciting and even struggle is exciting. everything you have and own is yours together. in most cases. you share. it’s not his stuff. it’s not your stuff. it’s both of your stuff. for the most part you agree on everything.
in second marriages it switches up a bit. and in third marriages it really changes … drastically. to the point of ridiculousness. but i’m getting ahead of myself. because i started talking about this thing called love – or what we thought was love. ok – back on track here.
now that i have my blinders off i can see my mistakes. i should have at least had a prenup and at the first sign of his objections i would have known something was amiss. i should have asked for financial information that i had verified, and asked him to pay for that. and at the first objection i should have run like the wind. i should have thrown all thoughts of love out the door and thought – “if this man loves me, he will want me to feel secure and loved” – it’s not just about him, it’s about me. it’s about me also.
but no – i was (in retrospect after dating 8 plus years and two semi-serious relationships that i passed on) in love with the idea of love and marriage again. he “seemed” solvent. all that good stuff. i did not want to rock the boat. i asked for one thing which is what i gave up from my previous marriage, and he signed a document for it. no problem there.
back to decisions we are responsible for. back to love. back to being fooled by someone who is a fool but actually smarter than you. or maybe he just meant well and didn’t realize that he couldn’t meet the grade, and as usual could leave, as he did the other two wives that he had when the party was over. the gig was up. easy enough.
so now you feel like an idiot. it’s not your heart that hurts anymore because you have gone through all of that hate stuff, the anger, the bad self-esteem – now you are just plain mortified at yourself for being so stupid. you were never stupid. you have walked away from men, bad business deals, one way friendships and you are capable of meeting those challenges. however this time you are not young anymore. you are not bouncing back as you always have. the world has changed. you have been challenged physically for years. you are confused.
you feel gypped out of precious time you could have spent doing other things. among them meeting another man who was honest and forthright. capable of being a life partner who could take care of you physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. someone who would encourage you to be your best self and continue on a creative career path. a pal. someone who would not lock themselves away from you. and lie to you. a person who liked the same things that you did. a man who wanted to create a home with you. not just move into your life and merely exist. a man with taste. a man of the arts. a man who was kind and interested in what you had to say, not just what you cooked for dinner. a man who wanted to figure out his issues so that he could be physically intimate with you. yes – a real man. not a hermit.
how about that? and how about someone who wanted to explore the world with you? like he promised. someone who had friends? all of those things you missed out on while you miserably tried to understand what you did so wrong each day you were with this angry person. who on top of it all refused to get help. an emotional train wreck.
you have no way to read someone else’s mind. you can only do your best to make things work. and when you reach that abyss – well … it’s time to time out. realize that you never knew this person, how could you? it’s not your fault. many new couples are so into each other the first few years that it never seems unusual to exclude others. overlook the obvious. not push things that upset the other spouse.
so quit beating yourself up. get what you deserve. don’t get mad. get even.
yes. get even. and while you are doing that get better. revenge – yes. revenge is good. i believe that all these cute sayings are bull crap. stop being nice. stop reading all of these be a good person articles. you can move along and still seek revenge. that does not make you a bad person. if you got screwed do something about it.
see fools think that they have gotten away with what they did if they don’t feel some pain. these men are in a way, sociopathic. they feel no remorse. they have no guilt. it’s never their fault. you do not have to kill to be a sociopath. they have killed a part of us. of yes – they have.
pain is the only thing that a lying fool will understand in the long haul. otherwise they will keep doing it. and i do not mean physical pain. i mean deep, dark inner pain that stabs them through their very soul. causes them grief. pain that keeps them from doing the same thing to someone else again. these men are not capable of loving women. they cannot. they do not have enough self-esteem to love themselves. so they go through life blaming others for their own misery. so get them where it hurts. you will be the one to know where that is. do it.
cannot wait to hear what you have to say about this.