Happy New Year – Alone Again – Discovery 2015

Here I am again – except this year I have my new, precious Shiba Inu (Dayton) to share New Year’s Eve with, I am slightly older and hopefully much wiser 🙂 …

A pleasant change from the company of my finally X husband (took less than 10 months for the divorce) who was in retrospect never happy on New Years (the few we spent together). Except perhaps when we were dating and the first year of marriage. A marriage I might add that lasted 3.9 years but equaled in time spent together less than half of that. And if you care to add in HAPPY time prior to marriage, you could label that as our happiest of times. Before I believe he realized he was committing to his third marriage. Something he seems to enjoy doing. Until that is – he does it. Commits.

Moving along, he made me miserable. And for the longest, or shortest time (depending on how you look at it) I thought it was all about me. Until I realized that it was all about him. And finally (eventually I will tell you the story) there was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back” (me being the camel) and I told him to leave (finally for the last time). Although I do believe that he orchestrated the entire scenario to get his desired result. Not quite sure if that was just “freedom” or another woman.

A firm believer, and listen up here, that if someone truly loves you, they do not try to destroy you or your soul. They do not mess with your spirit or you mind. And no way should you ever let that happen.  Our egos sometimes get in the way, and we keep believing that they will change, or that we are trees and we are somehow rooted to them, perhaps some vow binds us, and allows this abuse to go on? Silent or not. It’s abuse.

Well let me enlighten you. It’s not quite two months since the divorce. But it’s almost a year since he left. Or I should say he is physically gone. Mentally he was gone years ago. Physically he was gone years before that. And fortunately for me – I cannot remember ever really loving him … so it’s easy. What gets in my way is this ….

My ego. How could he not fight for me? How could this putz make up such ridiculous excuses to walk away from a great person like me and not even try? Was I not supposed to fight back? Oh – the answer is quite clear. No matter what he says – he never truly loved me. (He never said anything).  And that is what hurts. Not losing him. But being used. Letting someone use me up, but made a major effort to love, as much as I thought he loved me. Any love that I had he sucked it right out of me. He could not even make love to me. How’s that? Great. I believed that he had enough love for the both of us. Big mistake.  How dare him? I don’t hurt – I’m just pissed off that I let that loser into my life. He brought nothing to my table, but embarrassment, precious time flushed away, and debt.

So, my New Years gift to myself was erasing 3,500 photos from iPhoto (yes, he liked to take photos of pretty me, but left without a one) and toasting his vapid heart with expensive champagne while watching my favorite movie, “When Harry Met Sally”.

Ladies – dating and single over 50 sucks. This is my second time. My first marriage was 23 years so I know what I’m talking about. Beware. Listen, I waited a long time for Mr. Wrong and now this year, 2015 is going to be MY year. I’ve wasted years in total with Mr. LDL (my code name for him) and we have lots to talk about.

I’m all ears and answers –

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