Alone is much better then loneliness

The first day that I woke up and realized that he was finally gone forever – I breathed in deeply. A huge, glorious sigh of relief. All the panic within me released. As I got out of my bed and listened to the gentle quiet, it slowly occurred to me that there would be no onslaught and hateful ambush of words. Words that had sent me into the darkest hole I had ever known.

Lonely? Want to talk about Lonely? You have heard people say that they were lonelier with their partner than without. It’s not unusual. You are worse than a caged animal. Reduced to a portion of someone you don’t recognize when you see your reflection, that’s if you dare look in the mirror.

I recall sitting on the couch in the living room that smelled of him. The couch he ruined. In fact the entire house smelled of him. I hated that odor. Soon it would be gone. The odor, and the couch. Fresh coffee, a fake fire, some music, and I just sat there. Too caught up in the first moment of freedom to even ruin it by thinking of “what next” – I reveled in quiet and peace. No, I was not lonely anymore. I had me.

The entirety of the situation had not yet hit me. Finances … what he will do being the vindictive sociopath that he is. But I gave myself the freedom of the early morning to just drift. Do nothing but sit and stare.

Decided not to call more than a few people … now important to keep this news to myself. Careful. My peaceful feeling of aloneness has now become a precious  jewel nestled deep inside my heart. Something that I have prayed for, yearned for, secretly begged for … for years. Had anyone known?

Was he truly gone? I’m sure of it. Will it be ugly? I’m sure of it. Can I deal with it? Absolutely.  … I’ve dealt with his abuse long enough, his silent rage, his loud accusations, his ambivalence. Of course – I can deal with anything now.

He’s gone. And he is never, ever going to return. I’m free.

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